In the U.S., on average, about 20 people per minute are physically abused, which equates to about 10 million people per year. Every 68 seconds in the U.S. someone is sexually assaulted. In terms of psychological abuse and behavior, about 48.4% of women and 48.8% of men report having at least one experience enacted by an intimate partner. Many people today fail to realize how common abuse is and how it might even be impacting their relationship. It is important to identify if you or your partner are showing signs of being physically or emotionally abusive and seek out a way to fix it.
An abusive relationship can take many forms, which is why it is sometimes hard for people to identify whether or not they are being abused. The symptoms that are usually the most identifiable are actions such as hitting, other forms of physical violence, or controlling everything you do. Other actions that you should be concerned about are different forms of manipulative behavior such as gaslighting, which includes victim-blaming, using fake kindness to get their way, or guilt-tripping. These different forms of manipulative behavior are usually what stop victims from getting help. It prevents them from seeing the truth of what their partner is truly doing.
One of the major reasons sexual abuse is so common is because people do not understand how consent works. Just because someone says yes at one point does not mean that at a later time, when they say no, it discredits them for withdrawing consent. Also, if you ask someone and they say no, so you continue to ask them until they say yes, that is not consent. If one person is under the influence, they are not able to give proper consent, and even if they do, you are taking advantage of them. Manipulating your partner by acting upset or sad with them because they did not want to have intercourse until they finally gave in to make you happy is not consent and it is indeed sexual assault. Clear and proper boundaries need to be put in place as well, if you are unaware if your partner is uncomfortable with what is going on, ask them. Ideally, this should be a conversation held ahead of time. This is how you prevent sexual abuse from happening and ensure that both parties are comfortable with what's going on.
A study done in 2017 states that 3 out of 4 adults don't know what gaslighting is and only about 19 percent of them know what the definition is. Victim blaming is when instead of taking your side in a situation, they point out what you could have done differently to prevent the bad event from taking place. For example, extremely common phrases heard among victims of sexual abuse are those such as “well, you were asking for it by wearing that,” “you should’ve just said no,” or “I’m sure they wouldn’t do something like that” etc. These phrases often can discourage a victim from getting help because they end up feeling like they are actually to blame for what happened. Fake kindness can be used by abusers to sway victims into seeing what they did or said was not what they intended to do. For example, after a physically aggressive action is committed by an abuser, they will state that they did not mean it because they loved you too much to actually hurt you and that they will never do it again. They will see that they hurt you and that you are potentially even afraid of them and use that as a time to be kind to win you back over. Guilt-tripping is essentially both of those tactics combined and is frequently used when you’re trying to leave an abuser. They might say things like “If you leave me, I’ll kill myself” or something along the lines of “I guess you don’t love me, people always end up leaving me.” All of these tactics can be subtly presented and can gradually get worse as time goes on.
Now that the components of an abusive relationship are stated here are ways to get out of one. The first step is to make sure that you are going to be safe if you leave. Ways to prevent an unsafe breakup are to create a plan beforehand. Make sure that if you are currently living with an abusive partner you have a secure place to go. If you are not able to find one contact the authorities when ready to have them assist you. If you and your partner are living separately, ensuring safety can look like changing locks and keys and making sure there are not any exposed parts of your home where they could potentially break-in. You can put in place restraining orders against this person and block them on social media and from your regular number to avoid potentially being contacted by them or going back to them. This first step may seem scary, but it is extremely important in a situation like this.
If you are in a situation where you know that it is safe for you to leave but feel like it is going to be hard for you to do it, here's what you can do. First off, understand that this is the right decision to make and that even though right now you seem like you can handle it yourself, you need to get away from the situation to heal. Having a mindset of “Oh, I can change them” or that “They do love me, they are just having a tough time” can make you invalidate your own emotions. If you still think that their abuse is not that bad on you, you need to understand the negative effect it is having on your brain and body. It can lead to serious psychological damage and even prevent you from committing to future relationships. It is extremely harmful and will most likely lead to a lot of underlying issues with future partners and other forms of relationships.
Another thing to remember is that none of this is your fault. A major part of healing from these situations is to unteach yourself from the negativity they forced onto you. Remind yourself that you are worth more than the abuse you received and that their manipulation was just that, not the truth. Do not become upset with yourself for not seeing their abuse sooner, or not getting help right away. Make sure you do so in a way that you think will be beneficial to you not only now but moving forward. If you think you or someone you know needs help, do not be afraid to speak up, resources for domestic abuse can be found online at the National Domestic Abuse Hotline (NDVH). More local resources can be contacted here at the school through counselors or therapy services.